My voice isn't lost

Where is my voice? I feel like I'm so lost in this world sometimes. Do you ever feel like that? Just like your opinion, your thoughts, your actions, your words mean nothing? I don't really know where this feeling comes from. Maybe it's because I’ve been socialized into thinking that being quiet is better than speaking out and that I should be seen not heard. I’m not totally sure but I do know that I’m not the only woman to feel this way. I’m sure every woman feels like this at some point in their life. 

Right now, I am trying to figure out what's wrong with my body. See, I haven't had a period since I was 14 and I am now 20. I remember when I first missed my period, I had only had it for a year, and we had been taught that periods can be pretty irregular for the first two years so I didn't really think much of it. Then, when it still didn't come, I had that irrational thought of "Oh my God, am I pregnant?" But of course, I had never had sex and still haven't so that couldn't be it. And then I tried to forget about it. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it because for one thing, it was kind of nice not having it but I also was afraid of knowing why this was happening to me. I mean, I felt like there was something wrong with me, not just my body but me as though I had done this to myself. I honestly don't know how I got around it with my friends who complained about cramps and periods all the time. I guess I just nodded and tried to change the subject. 

When I finally did tell my mom what was going wrong, it had been two years since I'd had a period. I went to my pediatrician who told me to see a gynecologist who told me to see an endocrinologist who basically all told me they didn't know what was wrong. I had tons of blood tests, physical checkups, and an MRI and the only things figured out were that I had a pituitary microadenoma(a small tumor in my pituitary) that supposedly wasn't affecting anything and that I had the estrogen and progesterone levels of a 5-year old. But why? Why do I have such low levels, why don't I have periods? My endocrinologist (hormone specialist) was a man and while he had years of schooling and training in this field, he never seemed to take me seriously. I mean I was a seventeen-year old girl so what could I possibly know? It doesn't matter how much schooling or training he had, he will never be able to understand what I am going through because he isn't a woman and he isn't me. So, because I didn't have much of a voice and neither did my mom, we listened to whatever he said and I followed his directions when he prescribed me birth control as a temporary fix. 

So I started having periods again on the birth control but like I said it was a quick fix. I still had this nagging feeling deep down that this was just like one of those fake rocks people put over ugly pipes. This made everything look okay from the outside but was a cover up of what was really wrong with my body. So after about a year and a half, I stopped taking the birth control on my own accord. I wanted to see how I would feel and if my periods might suddenly come back on their own. They didn't and I started feeling really tired like all the time and weak. So I went to this new doctor last August and I love her. She took my blood and tested pretty much everything she could and told me more in about a week than my endocrinologist did in more than a year. I found out I have iron deficiency anemia, low vitamin-D, slightly high cholesterol, high calcium levels, and high liver function cells. She explained everything clearly and gave me options as to what I needed to do. I had a few more tests done later and found out I have gallstones while they looked at my liver and I have osteopenia which is a precursor to osteoporosis. So there's a lot of things wrong with my body and I finally had been given a voice by knowing so much more than before. I could talk about it with some of my friends because I didn't feel ashamed. I began to realize that there is nothing wrong with me, I only have some problems with my body. 

This past week, I had an appointment with a different endocrinologist who almost took away my voice again. He talked down to me, like I had no idea what he was saying even though I most definitely did. He was brisk in his conversation and told me he couldn't do anything until I went to another gynecologist since I hadn't been to one since I was seventeen. Though I understood somewhat, I didn't see why he couldn't do anything at all before I saw a gynecologist. I mean, they were most likely not going to tell me anything different than before because nothing had changed. Yet I didn't say this. I asked one question and then he said goodbye. Another man writing off a young woman who doesn't know what's going on with her own body. 

But I am here to say that I haven't lost my voice completely and I decided I will not go back to see him again because I didn't like the way he talked to me. And I'm here to say that I am sick and tired of not knowing what's going on with my own body. Why do I have to wait another six weeks to see them again? Why am I not even told some possibilities of what it could be? I have done so much research on my own and I just want something concrete to hold on to. One thing this endocrinologist did do was tell me was that he would test a few things regarding my pituitary and ovaries. And that if it's my pituitary not sending the right signals to my ovaries, then there's something to be done but if it's my ovaries that simply aren't working correctly, then there usually isn't anything they can do. In case you don't understand, that means if its my ovaries- which seems more likely with my symptoms- I won't be able to have children on my own.

Even though I am not even sure I want kids of my own, it is one thing to be able to decide and another to be told you can't. I've wanted to adopt, if I do decide I want kids, for a long time but it is still incredibly hard being told that I might not even have the option. If I want kids, adoption or IVF with donor eggs are my only options. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm still me. This doesn't define me. I don't have to have kids to be a woman but it almost feels that way. It's different when I had been saying I may not want kids and possibly being told I can't have them. 

I'm not really sure what I'll do if that's the case. But I won't lose my voice. I will talk about it and I won't take pity from anyone. It wouldn't be the end of the world. I am still a woman, still me and this won't change that.

Healthy Relationships

Do you think the reason many women stay in abusive relationships is because of the romanticization of violence? I am in no way saying that women are responsible if they end up in an abusive relationship. But what if the reason they think they should stay is because in some weird twisted way, they think the violence thrust upon them is some form of a romantic gesture? Think about it for a sec. Think about Twilight which meets every single criteria of an abusive relationship. Yet, we romanticize it. Think about Fifty Shades of Grey, which is not BDSM like so any think but is also an abusive relationship.
 

These relationships are not about love and romantics like most readers think, probably like the authors think too. They are about control and abuse. Our society has grown so accustomed to saying things like "Boys will be boys" and "Oh, that just means they care" that when it comes to actual abuse, it's no wonder we confuse it with love. People say jealousy means someone cares about you. I've never felt this way, ever. Jealousy means they don't trust you and want to control your moves; I don't care what they say. If they really cared about you, they wouldn't be jealous at all because they trust you and want you to do the things that make you happy. If they say something like "I want to hang out just the two of us" ...all the time, that's not sweet its possessive. If they comment on your appearance in a negative manner, they are not just "trying to help you" or "showing they care," they are abusing you emotionally. Sometimes it's really hard to recognize these signs because our culture has come to see many of these things as romantic gestures. Basically, if its not physical abuse, then its not abuse. THAT'S NOT TRUE. There can be emotional or psychological abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, stalking, and even digital abuse now. Often times these can overlap such as using digital abuse or financial abuse to also cause emotional harm. Why our culture has romanticized these thing, I will never understand. But it needs to stop. And if you EVER feel uncomfortable in a relationship, try to get some help as soon as possible. Go talk to a friend, a therapist or call a hotline like 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE). Know that whatever is happening is not your fault and you can always do something about it. Understand that any relationship can be abusive, not just a domestic relationship with a partner. And boys/men are not the only ones who commit abuse, just as women/girls are not the only ones who are being abused. That's why I say of you ever feel uncomfortable, get help. And in protest to the abusive relationships feature in movies and in honor of healthy relationships, I will not be seeing Fifty Shades of Grey. And I encourage you all to do the same. This type of behavior is not okay and shouldn't be tolerated. Happy #healthyrelationshipweek and a happy, healthy Valentine's Day too! <3

Body Talk

So, I have this friend who pretty much obsesses over her body. She has a very A type personality so its pretty easy to understand how she got to be somewhat obsessive. She will not go out of the house without makeup on. I mean we literally went hiking and she put makeup on... At those rare time when she doesn't have it on, she compares herself to some of the worst things I've ever heard someone compare themselves to. Just yesterday, we went to Starbucks after running some errands and we were dressed in running shorts and t-shirts and she saw someone she know(a boy-I have a whole other story about her obsession with boys but that's for another day). When the guy left she turned to me and said "Of course I would see someone i know when I look like I got hit by a bus."
What? Did you really just compare yourself to a seriously injured person because you aren't all dressed up and only wearing a little makeup? I told her she was wrong, of course, but she never listens. She said this to me one time when I told her I think she doesn't need makeup all the time, "You never know who you are going to meet. What if you meet your future husband?"-yet another example of our society teaching girls that men/marriage should be their priority. Anyway, I shot back at her "If he doesn't like me like this(without makeup, that is), then I don't want him." I totally get that if you want to wear makeup; YGG-you go girl or boy! I wear makeup. I like playing with different eye shadows and lipsticks and eyeliners sometimes. But I don't wear makeup everyday because sometimes I really just don't feel like it. And let me tell you, I knew nothing about the world of makeup before I came to college. I only started wearing it my senior year of high school- with the exception of Lipsmackers and my mom's lipstick sometimes- and even then I didn't wear it everyday. I honestly didn't even know that some of my friends wore makeup. And people usually don't say
anything about it unlike what a lot of people think. If people do notice and actually say something, it's because society has taught us that it's okay to comment on women's bodies and say whatever we feel like. When these comments are positive rather than negative, we say it's a compliment. Let me just tell you, it's not. I might say thank you if a friend tells me they like my outfit but I will not respond to some random guy on the street who says I'm hot. I don't care what you have to say about my appearance. I don't care whether you think I'm an ugly bitch or a sexy bitch because guess what... This is MY body and I love it. I love it's curves and lumps and bumps. I love my features like my eyes and brows and lips. I love my nails that I constantly am painting something new on(I do nail art). I love my legs even when I haven't shaved in a while during the winter. I love that it works-most of the time. I love that it exists because without it I wouldn't be here. But most of all I love that it doesn't define me. We need to teach girls that their bodies are not the most important thing about them. Their bodies are a part of them, yes, and we do need to teach everyone- not just girls- to keep them healthy. But a healthy body is not what is being shown in the media today. Healthy bodies are strong and beautiful. Healthy bodies may have a little extra flab or none at all. Healthy bodies are not all the same. I wish my grandma had told my mom that when she was young because she believed she was fat and I assure you she wasn't. She was fit because she played badminton so it's possible she had some muscle, mistaken by my grandma to be "fat." I wish that I didn't have to fight to tell my best friend(the one I mentioned earlier) that she is beautiful exactly how she is. I wish that this wasn't an issue in our culture. But it is. Our society has its priorities all kinds of fucked up with this one. We need to be nurturing children's minds and not pushing them to have a certain type of physical exterior. For every woman, man, girl, boy, or anyone in between out there, I am here to tell you that your body is beautiful because it is here on this earth. I am here to tell you that, more importantly, you are here and that's the most amazing thing I've ever heard.

Why don't we teach girls they can do anything?

Today, as I sat around with my friends doing my homework, one of my friends started talking about not knowing what she wants to do with her life, a problem so many of us college students have. Another friend spouted out that she wants to be a "housewife." Then another said "Yes! It's my dream to be a housewife and have kids." Then there was a pretty collective agreement that this would be really great, to have kids and be a housewife while I sat not saying a word because I honestly was kind of shocked. Now, don't get me wrong, I have major respect for housewives. They do a lot of work and hardly get any credit as evidenced by one friend that said "I want to have kids but I don't want to stay at home because I feel like a respect my mom less because she doesn't do anything at home." That's really sad that just because your mom doesn't work outside the home, which is what our society had deemed appropriate for a woman at the time she became a mother, you don't respect her. That being said, I think it is utter bullshit that girls are still taught that "the dream" is having kids and getting married but we teach boys that their dream is whatever they want it to be.

Why don't we teach boys that getting married is important if that's what we are teaching girls? Why don't we teach girls to aspire to whatever their heart desires if that's what boys are taught? Our society has got to get its shit together on this one. There are a lot of amazing women who could be astronauts, doctors, activists, engineers, and psychologists but because we teach girls that their number one goal is marriage and children, a lot of girls think they can't have both. Their priority is always thought to be others and not themselves so if women do have both, often times others see them as selfish for not giving their full attention to the their families.

My point is not that women shouldn't be stay-at-home moms or explicitly be against having children but that we should listen to what girls and women really want instead of telling them and then foster their ideas. We should teach men that a strong woman isn't something to be afraid of. We should teach boys what feminism is really about instead of teaching them that they are crazy, man-hating bitches who want to overpower them. Girls shouldn't have to feel afraid of hurting other people just by saying what they want. Boys shouldn't feel obligated to have a girlfriend/wife who does what they ask just because she is a girl. Most of all, women shouldn't feel like they are lesser than just because they don't necessarily want marriage and children. We need to stop teaching girls that boys are more important than school and that boys opinions matter more and that boys deserve things just because they are boys. We have to stop people from saying "That's just how it is." It doesn't have to be.