My voice isn't lost

Where is my voice? I feel like I'm so lost in this world sometimes. Do you ever feel like that? Just like your opinion, your thoughts, your actions, your words mean nothing? I don't really know where this feeling comes from. Maybe it's because I’ve been socialized into thinking that being quiet is better than speaking out and that I should be seen not heard. I’m not totally sure but I do know that I’m not the only woman to feel this way. I’m sure every woman feels like this at some point in their life. 

Right now, I am trying to figure out what's wrong with my body. See, I haven't had a period since I was 14 and I am now 20. I remember when I first missed my period, I had only had it for a year, and we had been taught that periods can be pretty irregular for the first two years so I didn't really think much of it. Then, when it still didn't come, I had that irrational thought of "Oh my God, am I pregnant?" But of course, I had never had sex and still haven't so that couldn't be it. And then I tried to forget about it. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it because for one thing, it was kind of nice not having it but I also was afraid of knowing why this was happening to me. I mean, I felt like there was something wrong with me, not just my body but me as though I had done this to myself. I honestly don't know how I got around it with my friends who complained about cramps and periods all the time. I guess I just nodded and tried to change the subject. 

When I finally did tell my mom what was going wrong, it had been two years since I'd had a period. I went to my pediatrician who told me to see a gynecologist who told me to see an endocrinologist who basically all told me they didn't know what was wrong. I had tons of blood tests, physical checkups, and an MRI and the only things figured out were that I had a pituitary microadenoma(a small tumor in my pituitary) that supposedly wasn't affecting anything and that I had the estrogen and progesterone levels of a 5-year old. But why? Why do I have such low levels, why don't I have periods? My endocrinologist (hormone specialist) was a man and while he had years of schooling and training in this field, he never seemed to take me seriously. I mean I was a seventeen-year old girl so what could I possibly know? It doesn't matter how much schooling or training he had, he will never be able to understand what I am going through because he isn't a woman and he isn't me. So, because I didn't have much of a voice and neither did my mom, we listened to whatever he said and I followed his directions when he prescribed me birth control as a temporary fix. 

So I started having periods again on the birth control but like I said it was a quick fix. I still had this nagging feeling deep down that this was just like one of those fake rocks people put over ugly pipes. This made everything look okay from the outside but was a cover up of what was really wrong with my body. So after about a year and a half, I stopped taking the birth control on my own accord. I wanted to see how I would feel and if my periods might suddenly come back on their own. They didn't and I started feeling really tired like all the time and weak. So I went to this new doctor last August and I love her. She took my blood and tested pretty much everything she could and told me more in about a week than my endocrinologist did in more than a year. I found out I have iron deficiency anemia, low vitamin-D, slightly high cholesterol, high calcium levels, and high liver function cells. She explained everything clearly and gave me options as to what I needed to do. I had a few more tests done later and found out I have gallstones while they looked at my liver and I have osteopenia which is a precursor to osteoporosis. So there's a lot of things wrong with my body and I finally had been given a voice by knowing so much more than before. I could talk about it with some of my friends because I didn't feel ashamed. I began to realize that there is nothing wrong with me, I only have some problems with my body. 

This past week, I had an appointment with a different endocrinologist who almost took away my voice again. He talked down to me, like I had no idea what he was saying even though I most definitely did. He was brisk in his conversation and told me he couldn't do anything until I went to another gynecologist since I hadn't been to one since I was seventeen. Though I understood somewhat, I didn't see why he couldn't do anything at all before I saw a gynecologist. I mean, they were most likely not going to tell me anything different than before because nothing had changed. Yet I didn't say this. I asked one question and then he said goodbye. Another man writing off a young woman who doesn't know what's going on with her own body. 

But I am here to say that I haven't lost my voice completely and I decided I will not go back to see him again because I didn't like the way he talked to me. And I'm here to say that I am sick and tired of not knowing what's going on with my own body. Why do I have to wait another six weeks to see them again? Why am I not even told some possibilities of what it could be? I have done so much research on my own and I just want something concrete to hold on to. One thing this endocrinologist did do was tell me was that he would test a few things regarding my pituitary and ovaries. And that if it's my pituitary not sending the right signals to my ovaries, then there's something to be done but if it's my ovaries that simply aren't working correctly, then there usually isn't anything they can do. In case you don't understand, that means if its my ovaries- which seems more likely with my symptoms- I won't be able to have children on my own.

Even though I am not even sure I want kids of my own, it is one thing to be able to decide and another to be told you can't. I've wanted to adopt, if I do decide I want kids, for a long time but it is still incredibly hard being told that I might not even have the option. If I want kids, adoption or IVF with donor eggs are my only options. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm still me. This doesn't define me. I don't have to have kids to be a woman but it almost feels that way. It's different when I had been saying I may not want kids and possibly being told I can't have them. 

I'm not really sure what I'll do if that's the case. But I won't lose my voice. I will talk about it and I won't take pity from anyone. It wouldn't be the end of the world. I am still a woman, still me and this won't change that.